I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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