The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
