he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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