I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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