Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
