Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
