There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
