she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
