She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
