I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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