you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
