I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
