dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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