Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
