Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
