Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
