you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
