it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
