exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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