My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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