I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The power of my boobs compel you
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
