she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
