If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
