My first STD was from a foam party
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
