i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
