I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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