I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Randomize
