We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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