I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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