my soul wont recognize me after tonight
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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