I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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