I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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