I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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