She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
