we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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