Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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