I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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