My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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