Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize