I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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