My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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