Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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