I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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