Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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