She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
