so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Found your dick twin last night
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize