Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
