I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
