i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
What a dumb baby whore.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
