Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
