somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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