I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
