Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The feeling are messing with the penis
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
