Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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