I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
