don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
