You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
