probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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