Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
