Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
