Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
