He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
