Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Randomize
