i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
