i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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